Looking back on my life, I can only refer to much of that time as my ‘Accidental Reality’. Being the student of human nature that I am, I also see this phenomenon of living life like an accidental series of random events as a common fact of life for most people.|
I used to view myself as a body and brain with emotion. My life was a map given to me with a rough draft of laws and probable outcomes. Knowledge was based on tried or perceived formulas handed down from generation to generation. Although these laws had some flexibility indexed into them, the main format was standard for people within my timeframe and culture.
A quick and simplified explanation of what life should be was this:
Stay safe and protect the body from injury or death. Maintain the body in good working order, feed it and provide it with shelter.
Gain an education. This for the most part was based on learning what everyone else knew. Sourcing information from the past and learning to argue logically with known facts.
Follow social etiquettes. Comparing yourself with and being like everyone else was very necessary, as it validated you as a normal, trustworthy and dependable member of your society.
Follow the Ten Commandments or a similar code of ethics.
Work for a living and maintain financial independence for yourself and family.
Find a mate, set up house together and procreate.
Be a good person and as much as possible avoid bad things.
This blueprint works very well for most people and of course we are very comfortable with it most of the time. It’s not set in concrete and can be varied, but considering that most of us have it deeply instilled very early in life we rarely, if ever, challenge it.
With all these factors in place, we happily drift along and feel somewhat content and comfortable with our lives. We actively strive to maintain this equilibrium and coast along without too much thought throughout our lives.
Earlier, I referred to my accidental reality. The accidental part is the occurrence of something unexpected jumping into our reality and demanding an instant alertness or sudden change. It may be referred to as a ‘Wake-up Call’ or an "Ah-Ha’ moment. It may be good or bad, sometimes huge and sometimes subtle. It is when something unexpected comes along and pulls us out of our comfort zone and either changes our lives or us.
In our blueprint life, we simply follow a formula and expect a predictable outcome. Ah-Ha moments throw us completely off course and can often change us forever. They require new questions, different methods and alertness. The biggest and best Ah-Ha moments will ultimately lead to questions like:
Who am I?
Am I happy?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
What is life, God, love and death?
A big Ah-Ha moment may be the death of someone close, divorce, losing a job or a major illness or accident. In some cases it may be as simple as meeting a stranger and just one little sentence throwing a switch in your head, or it can also be something great like falling in love.
There are countless Ah-Ha moments during our lives and they take us off our blueprint life and change us forever. When these things happen we become aware that we are unprepared and quite uncomfortable with change. Even when good things throw us, we still get a sense of discomfort.
We are so unprepared for change and so addicted to comfort, that it’s vitally important to consider this if you are serious about transforming, improving or reinventing your life. We like to believe that we consciously improve our lives by making intelligent decisions, and often this is true, but more often our lives change dramatically by accident.
Dramatic change brings up fear, resistance, struggle and sometimes pain. Even when we are forced into change we somehow cling to the idea that another comfort zone will be created, and we can fall back into our cruising and predictable existence again. We all want to believe that the blueprint life is real and stable.
What if the blueprint life was nothing more than a basis to build a real life upon. What could your potential life be if you embraced or actively pursued change. What if you had a choice each day in which you decided who you wished to be and what you wanted to achieve or experience.
Could fear of change be the cause of each of us limiting our true potential. Isn’t it true that without the accidents most of us would be so much less than we are today.
When I used to live my accidental life, I did quite well, and for anyone looking in, I guess I would have looked like I was doing pretty well.
I mentioned that I considered myself to be a physical body, brain and an emotional being. Much of my awareness of myself was based on comparison with others and my general well-being.
I maintained my body and gave very little thought to it unless it was hurt, ill or tired. I guess I compared how I looked with other people and thought I was acceptable.
My brain seemed to be able to think O.K. and I didn’t really give it very much thought. I never felt overly neurotic or psychotic or anything and very rarely got depressed. Emotionally I also tended to coast along with manageable ranges of mood swings. I was always rather optimistic and generally happy and suffered appropriate grief according to events.
Well, I guess that was me, when I used to be normal.
Looking back now, and getting pretty honest with myself, I can see something else, something that I didn’t look at or want to know about. Occasionally, I would find myself questioning myself about a sense of discontent.
Sometimes discontent seemed to linger for an awfully long time and I guess I found it necessary to develop a talent for denial. If I had suffered panic attacks or extreme depression, I would probably have paid more attention. But, discontent is easy to swallow and suck down or sit on.
In hindsight, I can also remember a sense of not liking my body, a sense of shame, suppressed sexuality, a general disrespect as well as a sense of being disconnected from it. Sometimes I felt fat, sometimes I felt ugly and sometimes I actually felt self-hatred for my body.
At the time, I didn’t explore these feelings, they were simply secret loathings that I carried with me and also sucked down and denied.
Most of the time, I respected my intelligence and didn’t give much thought to the workings of my brain. I mastered the art of sounding like I knew something about something. I was always pretty practical and logical and could ‘Wing It’ in most conversations by asking questions rather than stating facts that I did not know. Again, though, on a deeper level and only in retrospect, I can also see that I was in fact pretty unsure of myself intellectually and could have easily believed I was of under average intelligence. That is, if I had questioned it, but of course I never did.
I could have gotten through life on this level and possibly done O.K. I don’t think I would have had a nervous break down or taken up any harmful addictions. I would probably not have become violent or suicidal. Frankly, I would probably have just been like most people are today - reasonably dysfunctional in a rather manageable way, with a deep feeling of discontent, disappointment and confusion, functioning for all intent and purpose as a normal average person.
Sometimes, I would have long and serious private conversations with myself, and I’d ask things like, “What the hell is all this about?” Or perhaps “What am I doing, where did I come from and where am I going?” Or the big question “Is that all there is?”
The biggest questions were always about love, God and death. These three would fascinate me and scare me. Sometimes I played with them and amused myself, but usually I just shut them down when they floated up.
Love confused me and I didn’t really know what it was. My experiences with love ranged from euphoria, lust, softness and power to obsession, desperation, betrayal and fear.
God seemed like a good guy, interested in peace, healing and love to some terrifying, angry, vengeful person, who was going to let me burn in hell forever and ever if I displeased him.
Death of course is the most confusing, as we have no real similarities to compare it with. We know we don’t want it and that the whole purpose of life is to avoid it. There are two kinds of death and the one to avoid is the premature one, like accidents, disease and illness. We actively try to prevent these from happening and usually prefer the old age variety. Strange, really, when you consider this involves years of slowly decomposing until we simply expire.
The best way to deal with thoughts of death, is to not have the thought at all. We learn to not think about death by holding it down within us and never entertaining it. On an unconscious level we do in fact think about it a lot. Self-preservation is our strongest instinct, and of course that is because we are, in fact, aware that we are going to die.
My first recollection of viewing myself as anything other than physical, intellectual and emotional, was a chance meeting with a stranger in a bar one Friday afternoon. A very big but ever so subtle Ah-Ha moment that I didn’t fully appreciate until many years later.
We were both waiting at the bar for friends who didn’t show. (As co-incidences happen.) We started up a polite conversation, which led to the predictable question of, “What do you do?”
He was an Astro-Physicist. I had never heard of such a thing and had absolutely no knowledge of physics at all. He didn’t seem too concerned with my ignorance and tried to give me a simplified explanation of physics. Well, this guy was ‘Blowing my mind’ trying to explain to me that all form and matter was energy: atoms, molecules, cells and magnetic fields. I secretly questioned if he was some kind of ‘Nutter’ or a genius speaking in a foreign language. Honesty, I comprehended almost nothing of what he told me. In trying to grasp something of this concept’ I asked him, “Are you telling me that I am a mass of dots vibrating at a rate or frequency at which I become matter?” “Well, eh, sort of, yes.” “Well you just said that the table, chairs, glasses and everything in here is energy, masses of atoms and some form of electricity. Atoms, you mentioned, are like minute little dots, so, my understanding is that I must be made of billions or trillions of little dots all held together in an electrical field?”
I’m sure he was not the least bit convinced that I understood anything of what he was trying to tell me. I was ignorant and he was being kind and indulging me. To this day, I still know almost as little about physics as I did that day, however, the thought of all form and matter being a force of energy really clicked into my brain and I pondered it often.
Over the years, this concept played in and out of much of my thinking, learning and conversations. Interwoven within all this, were many occasions in which I actually experienced and accepted that my body, thoughts and feelings were indeed sources of energy.
The world and everything within it and outside of it were also energy.
Actions, events and even spirituality I now understood to be energy.
Author Bio :
Copyright Sonya Green. http://www.reinventingmyself.com Sonya is the author of a book called Reinventing Myself, and also offer some Guided meditation C.D's focusing on Stress Reduction, Weight Loss, Healing and Personal Growth, How to get what you really want and need.
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