Low Self Esteem and Fear of Love - The love of my life|
Recently a few friends were talking about marriage, and I heard myself saying that, “I had married myself a few years ago.” I surprised myself when I said it. I didn’t really have a ceremony as such, but it did dawn on me that in a subtle way and over a period of time, I had in fact had a ‘Commitment Ceremony with Myself’.
They were intrigued with my statement. Before I knew it, I was explaining that like most people I had longed for a partnership with that one special person and all that that involved. I had in my mind my list of what I needed and wanted and another of all of my disappointments and heartbreaks; lists filled with dreams, hopes and cynicisms. The perfect person, the perfect relationship and my perfect life played in and out of my daydreams for many years.
I thought about the weddings that I had attended and the vows that people made to each other. I wondered what the probability was that someone could indeed fulfil those promises. To love, honour and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. Could they be faithful and keep themselves only for the other? Would God approve of the union?
It’s interesting that we all believe to some degree that there really is a person who can love, honour and cherish us all the days of our lives. Interesting, mostly because it probably never occurs to us that we are incapable of loving, honouring and cherishing ourselves all the days of our lives. It is somewhat amazing to consider that we can stand before God fully believing that we are capable of loving someone else like that and offering up our full and heart felt commitment. It’s even more amazing that we really do believe that someone has the capacity to fulfil that commitment to us.
In the early days of reinventing myself, I had to be totally honest with myself as I explored the many facades, illusions and erroneous beliefs that I had about myself. I also had to be very clear about the difference between what I wanted as opposed to what I thought I wanted. I needed to set clear goals. I needed to dump a lot of baggage. Ultimately I needed to not only know myself, but above all, I needed to like myself.
It takes time, it takes attention and it takes determination. I actually came to a stage where I not only achieved this, but I also realized that I could push it further and explored the possibility of loving myself. No, I do not mean arrogance, vanity, self-centeredness or selfishness. (Those things are
insecurities dressed up as self-confidence).
My concept of marrying myself is about commitment. It is about making promises and paying attention to living those vows on a daily basis. Initially when I decided to make changes in my life, I wanted to improve my health and energy levels. On achieving this I decided to actively increase my well-being on all levels. This included more creativity, financial and business success, improved relationships and a beautiful, peaceful home life.
In bringing this all about, I also made drastic changes in letting go of things that impeded or prevented my success. Once these things were put into place, the easier it all became. The better I felt, the more I could add to my list of my needs and wants and the easier it became to achieve these goals. As my self-confidence and self-respect grew, my list of obstacles became much easier to deal with.
Respect and Self Esteem
As a child, I was taught that it was selfish or bad manners to put my needs before the needs of others. It was vain to think that I was anything special. Speaking about my achievements was considered to be bragging. Pleasing other people suggested that I was kind and likable, so I learned very early in life to detach myself from myself. I grew up feeling guilty if I thought that I had something that someone else didn’t have. I can’t remember leaving food on a plate without feeling guilty about the starving children in India.
Although I really do believe that it is important to be considerate and humble, I do not believe that this requires us to be disrespectful to ourselves.
Somehow the good intention of learning to be kind, considerate and fair has become jumbled in our brains. Many of us have interpreted these good teachings to mean that other people are more important than we are. Our opinion is less valued than the opinions of others. We have been programmed to believe that we are less and our lives are less. The result of such thinking leads to a lack of self-respect and low self-esteem.
Some people live their lives like they are assistants to other people. Many people have fantastic opportunities presented but they just can’t recognize or accept them. How often do amazingly brilliant or talented people never get to show the world their work? How common is it to be capable of loving someone, but not ever experience being loved in return?
Low self-esteem or lack of self-respect serves no positive purpose. Putting yourself last, having the least amount, keeping your ideas quiet or making yourself ‘small’ in any way, serves no purpose.
The smaller you allow yourself to become the less you will have to contribute to anyone else. Lack of self-respect is nothing more than stifling your own spirit.
No matter how much we focus on our physical reality it is almost impossible to ignore the spiritual aspect of being. Yes, we are all spiritual beings here on the planet Earth and we are all having a physical experience. However, the spirit within is constantly whispering and is always calling for us to honour our place on Earth and to honour our own existence. Low self-esteem is an insult to this great gift of life that we each have been given. It is a unique and individual journey. No one is here to experience someone else’s life. You can support and assist others but you do not need sacrifice your life to live for others.
I have made my point about self-esteem and self-respect as I believe that it is impossible to be happy if we do not have respect for ourselves. Self-confidence is not about who you were or who you will be, it is about being comfortable within your own skin. It is also about placing great value on your own existence, regardless of who or where you are.
If I were willing to commit to myself the way two lovers commit in marriage, then my vows would probably be:
I (name…) promise myself to honour and give gratitude for the privilege of having this life.
I will view my existence as my most precious and valued gift, and
I will endeavour to add my unique qualities to this process.
My intention for this journey is to accept love, happiness and peace within each day.
I will operate from a place of respect and honesty with others and myself, and
I will be genuine and thoughtful in my actions.
Because I love, honour and respect myself, I consciously allow my heart to reach out and fill others.
I (name…) vow today to fill my body with all that promotes health and vitality.
I will commit to myself to treat my body as my most sacred temple.
I will fill my mind with and maintain thoughts that inspire creativity, wisdom, knowledge and optimism.
I will speak of health, wealth and happiness and share such words with all I meet.
Good fortune, success, prosperity and exciting opportunities will be embraced and received fully.
I will actively pursue quality relationships, enjoyable work and stimulating experiences.
I will be kind and gentle with myself, and allow myself to relax and be peaceful.
I will seek pleasure and excellence in my work as well as my play.
Today, I make my pledge to myself, and in my heart I will carry forward my commitment throughout all the days of my life.
Today, I make my pledge to myself, and in my heart I will carry forward all that I am and all that I may become to add to this world my best in all things.
Copyright Sonya Green 2005
Author Bio :
Copyright Sonya Green. http://www.reinventingmyself.com Sonya is the author of a book called Reinventing Myself, and also offer some Guided meditation C.D's focusing on Stress Reduction, Weight Loss, Healing and Personal Growth, How to get what you really want and need.
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